Every YouTube Tutorial Ever

•July 24, 2020 • Leave a Comment

I’m sure that everyone reading this has, at some point, ventured over to YouTube in order to find a tutorial on some subject or other. I’m even sure that a very small percentage of you have found what you’re looking for and even been satisfied with the information found, as well as the presentation of that information.

However, I do not count myself in that group of satisfied people. My particular gripe is with people that make tutorials about muscial gear and software use.

Now, I understand that a lot of YouTube tutorials are made by regular people, just trying to help others out. While I’m grateful that these people take the step and try to be helpful to others, I do not give them a free pass to produce shitty content. Even worse, I do not give them a free pass to mimic the shitty behaviours and tropes that we see from “Professional” tutorial makers such as those that represent large tech companies, or those that claim to be “Tech Experts”, with no actual qualification other than they once figured out how to make a calculator screen say “boobs” when they turn it upside down.

Inability To Speak Clearly

“Hi guys! This is your boy, FummFa Bummmmummuhhrrr for flabbamuff dot com, and today I’ll be explaining how to ummmfuur your blluurrg in ProTools.”

This is the NUMBER ONE problem with YouTube Tutorials. It seems like the entire catalogue is mostly filled with people that have painfully heavy accents, or slow, mumbling, stoner voices.

How the hell do these people think that they are suitable for a tutorial explaining the intricacies of operating a complicated piece of hardware or software, when they can’t even pronounce their own channel name clearly, or remember the terms for 75% of controls that they’re allegedly “explaining”?

I’m now at the point where, after starting a video playing, I will actually wait for the person to say their name or YouTube channel name, and if they fail to say it in a way that I can actually understand, I just exit and look for another one. I cannot be bothered wasting my time with some idiot that can’t speak, trying to explain something to me.

Content Does Not Match The Title

Easily the second most annoying thing is when you search for instructions on a specific task, you find a video that claims to be explaining exactly what you need, but you get half way through it before realizing that they are actually talking about something different altogether. Sometimes, it’s just plain stupidity that makes this happen. They think they’re showing you how to do one thing, but actually it’s something else. Some basic checks would prevent this happening, but obviously this is too much work for many.

However, USUALLY this happens when someone wants the clicks, doesn’t know how to execute the USEFUL task, and so they purposefully misname their tutorial, knowing that people will probably watch half of it anyway before realizing it’s crap. They still get the clicks and views, what do they care?

Looks Like A Tutorial, Has Zero Information

The other thing that a lot of these content creators do is that they use the tutorial style video to basically flex. The first kind of flex is “look at how amazing I am at setting up this gear/software.”

They essentially SHOW YOU their setup, but give you no actual guide on how to create it yourself. This usually takes the form of “you just insert an instrument combination and effects chain, routing the signal from this to this, using 17 racks and 8 separate channels, MIDI mapping the controls to a combination of control surfaces and foot pedals, and you end up able to do this …”

They then demonstrate what their setup does. Yes, it’s usually very impressive. But your TUTORIAL video is not showing me HOW you did anything. It’s just showing me WHAT you did. There is a difference.

“My project is already setup, so I don’t need to go through the steps.”

Very helpful. Fuckhead.

“Tutorial”? Did You Mean “Watch Me Shred, Bro”?

This is the second type of flex video that masquerades as a tutorial. It’s similar to the previous one, but this isn’t about showing the setup. It’s all about luring people in to learn something, but then just playing random crap on your guitar for 60+ seconds at a time under the guise of “demonstrating” what your setup does.

Yeah, I’m sure it’s VERY impressive that you are kind of OK at playing guitar, and are able to ape the styles of some other guitarists with a bit of tapping, sweeping and the like. But it’s not what I came here for, douchebag.

Show me what the video title says you’re teaching, demo it on your instrument IF NEEDED for a few seconds, but any extended mindless noodling or shredding is only going to get me clicking “dislike”.

Don’t Forget To CRUSH That Subscribe Button!

This is true of all content on YouTube, but I do find it extremely irritating in a music tutorial when they spend more time talking about how you should comment, like, subscribe, share and SMASH that notification bell for more videos … than actually giving usable information.

Do you really think you need to beg for likes and subscribes in 2020? People will give your video a like if it was helpful, and they will subscribe to your channel if it seems worth it. That is what people have learnt to do over the last 10+ years of YouTube being a thing. It’s automatic now. We don’t need to be told that shit in EVERY DAMN VIDEO.

Clear Instructions, Impossible To Replicate

What I’m talking about here is when the video maker promises you a tutorial on how to do something … let’s say, how to master your song … and they start with their massive, unexplained effects chain already in place.

BUT, they actually go through the effects in the chain, how they are routed, why they were chosen and what they are all doing. But then present you with a SLEW of plugins that do very specific jobs, but are not actually included in your software.

Now, I get that sometimes, you need a specific plugin to do a certain job, and being told what that plugin is, can be very helpful. But when these tutorials get to the 75% mark and suddenly you realize that the MAIN plugins in the setup being used are all 3rd Party plugins that cost upwards of $1,000 to purchase, it gets very UN-USEFUL, very fast.

It’s real nice that you got yourself a sponsorship deal with some random plugin manufacturer, and I hope it makes you a bunch of cash. But please, if the end result of your tutorial is impossible to achieve unless I purchase half a dozen pieces of additional software, at least WARN me in advance, before I watch the first 8 minutes of your useless video. Failing to do so will only get you dislikes. You’re not doing yourself any favours.

These are only the first handful of reasons why YouTube Tutorials piss me off. However, I feel the need to take a pause here, before my blood pressure spikes too much.

Posted in Uncategorized

GPS Morons

•November 29, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Several areas within the field of Satellite Navigation (or “GPS” for our American viewers) annoy the everloving fuck out of me. Let’s start with a really annoying one:

Why the fuck do people buy a navigation device, and then refuse to use it?

I have lost count of the number of times that people that I KNOW for a FACT have GPS navigation capable devices get lost in the middle of nowhere, or turn up to an appointment a fucking HOUR late because they “couldn’t find” the location.

I mean, are you just lying?
Or are you a complete fucking retard?
One of these things MUST be true.

Even everyone’s PHONE now has GPS Navigation, and it’s not like the early days of phone navigation apps, where they were still working out the bugs or still trying to get the data up to date and accurate. Literally everyone has either Apple or Google maps in the POCKET now. There is just no excuse anymore.

Next, we have those people that claim to be unable to “work out” how to use a navigation device. Even though, the process is always the same.

You press “Enter Destination”.
You type a post code.
You press “Go”.

Literally that simple. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I could punch people right in the throat when they offhandedly say that they “can’t use” a SatNav. You’re not that stupid. You simply cannot be. You are stubborn and idiotic, yes. But stupid to the point that you can’t press 2 buttons? It’s just not possible.

That brings us to the people that CHOOSE to NOT use GPS Navigation. They “know what they’re doing”. They think there is some bravado to claiming to know how to find a place, probably because they so much lack any real achievement in life that this insignificant, bullshit ability seems important to them.

So, off they go, unaided, and without fail, end up lost. THEN, they’re on the phone to ME asking to be directed to their destination, somehow expecting me to have some psychic ability to know exactly where they are – even though the best they can give you at this point is “I’m lost. I have NO IDEA where I am!”.

Great. So how can I give you directions if I don’t have ANY INFORMATION about your current location? You fucking moron.

But by far the most annoying aspect in this area is the purposeful misuse of these devices. There are several people that I know, who will set up their navigation device at the start of a journey, and then proceed to ARGUE with the fucking thing at every turn.

Newsflash: You do not have more information in your head than this device has in it’s memory. If it tells you to go a certain way, it’s because that is shorter or faster. That is a fact. You may THINK another way would be quicker, but you are wrong. Yes. It’s possible for YOU to be WRONG.

So, these people make a conscious decision to go against the route that the SatNav is telling them. Then will they will complain about getting lost, BLAMING the SatNav and conveniently forgetting that they ignored it’s route in the first place.

What’s more, this whole debacle just leads to them being late, or lost, which all leads to the additional annoyances outlined in the first half of this rant!

Please, for the love of God, USE your navigation device/app.
And when you use it, PAY ATTENTION to it.

You do not know the roads better than it does. You do not have a better understanding of the current traffic than it does. Stop being an arrogant twat, in just ONE area of your life and maybe you’ll be slightly less annoying to everyone around you.

Posted in Consumer, driving, General Misery, People Skills, Technology, Traffic, Web
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Mobile Phones VI

•November 15, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Today at MisterShouty, it’s time to return to that special circle of hell that is Mobile Phones.

You’re welcome.

I recently went on holiday for the first time following the implementation of mobile phone carriers’ new policy of Free Roaming within a bunch of countries. This essentially means that you can use your mobile phone for calls, texts and data at no extra charge, just as if you were at home.

I’m sure you’re thinking “That’s great! How can that possibly be an issue for anyone?” Well, let me educate you.

Going on holiday used to be the very last opportunity to escape the ever-present noise pollution caused by the general public in every public place imaginable. You could arrive in Spain and hear almost no mobile phone bullshit for 2 weeks and it was just awesome.

But not now.

Arriving in your holiday location is now just the same as when you fly home. Five seconds after the plane lands, the air is filled with the sound of mobile phones booting up and dozens of notification beeps as everyone’s phones tell that that “HEY! You’re in a different country! But never fear! It costs nothing extra here now! Why not tell Facebook that you’re in Spain? RIGHT NOW! May as well! IT’S FREE!”

But it’s not only the irritation just after landing, no. The constant obsessive use of mobile phones now continues throughout the entire holiday, as assholes everywhere fill the once-quiet Spanish air with “HELLO? HELLOOOO!? CAN YOU HEAR ME? WHAT ABOUT NOW?”

I literally experienced a woman (who frankly, was old enough to know better), sat in a restaurant at 10am, trying to establish a Facetime call with someone in the UK for a SOLID 10 minutes. Shouting at her phone as though speaking louder will compensate for the fact that her data connection is throttled to prevent such excessive use of the foreign network.

Eventually, a couple of the other assholes in the immediate area must have put their phones away for a few seconds, and this woman’s videocall was connected, and then we were all treated to the annoyance of her phone, on speaker, volume set to MAX, while she had the dullest conversation you ever heard, and she struggled to hear the other person’s responses over the constant wailing and screaming of what sounded like about 20 small children in the background.

How can anyone think that this behaviour is acceptible?
I know it’s not just me.

And yet, so many people in the restaurant at the time were barely acknowledging that this annoying bitch was making unreasonable amounts of noise, disturbing everyone’s attempt at an enjoyable breakfast.

Are we really so far down the narcissistic sink-hole that, even when on holiday, we can’t go five minutes without calling, texting, Facebooking and Instagramming inane bullshit back across the ocean?

Is the average member of the general public really convinced that there is no point in having a good time unless you are able to boast about it, real-time via social media?

How fucking sad. The crushing irony of the whole situation seems completely lost on these people. The constant reassurance and validation that they physically crave in the form of social media views and likes, generated by their publishing of snapshots of their life, is actually making it impossible for them to HAVE a fucking life.

I can’t express strongly enough how much I hate what the mobile phone has come to represent. It’s barely even a phone any more. It’s just a device that provides access to websites that trigger dopamine production in the user’s brain. Nothing more.

I have incredible difficulty deciding whether my feelings of hate for these people are more or less than how much I feel sorry for them, in their drugged-up stupor … shambling, zombie-like from one Instagram-worthy moment to the next, with absolutely no idea of what it’s like to enjoy a moment of life for what it is.

Everything is an opportunity for that dopamine hit.

“Like me! Like me! Validate me! Tell me I’m worthy of something!”

Fucking sad acts, every one of them.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Media Hype, People Skills, Web
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Trump V ???, 2020.

•October 8, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Caveat 1: I don’t usually rant on politics, but I feel that this particular shouty session is pointed equally at both major parties involved. So “Don’t @ me!”, ‘kay?

Caveat 2: I say this as an outside observer. I live in the UK. I dislike Trump in general, but I think it’s crazy that anyone thinks there is anything slowing him down right now.

The problem that I see with The Trump Situation is that he has absolutely no credible opposition.

The democrats in general, have slunk off into the background and not one of them has the balls to actually take a stand against him. Way too many democrat- and liberal-minded people are whinging on and on about Trump’s actions as a PERSON, while comments on his political actions are lost, buried in the sea of shouty discussion on how he walked in front of the Queen, or spends his free time playing golf.

Let me just clarify something – it’s not illegal to be an asshole.

It’s not illegal to mock a person. Whether that person is a sexual assault victim, disabled, or a politician in another party. It’s all very well being OUTRAGED daily by Trump making a rude comment to a journalist or shaking someone’s hand in a weird way but seriously … being a pig-headed ass is NOT something that ever stopped ANYONE becoming President.

If people opposing Trump want to be taken seriously, then they need to talk like calm, reasonable, intelligent people about actual political issues! Stop allowing themselves to be baited by ridiculous, offensive comments and outright blatant lies. Stop reacting with so much anger. The anger comes across as emotional, petulant bleating that everyone dismisses as “just another lib-tard having a Trump tantrum”.

It seems like anyone with any actual power is just scared to step up and actually declare policies that would reverse the damage he’s doing. I don’t say this as a dig at American politicians, or as a criticism of Democrats. This is common to all politicians. They are so terrified of losing one voter that they won’t commit to a policy that matters. This is why Trump won in the first place! He stated clear policies. He promised things that he knew people wanted. OK, he may have under-delivered on many, but he’s certainly doing all he can to achieve them. That’s why his followers stand by him.

I said the day that Hillary pushed Sanders out of the race that it was a done deal – Trump would now win, because the people who matter will simply not give their vote to Hillary. I was shocked that people were shocked when he won!

His actions strengthen his own following, while the inaction of his so-called “opponents” does nothing to strengthen theirs.

Of course no one wants to be the next President after Trump. To have to clean up his mess. To have to deal with the outright nasty people that he’s brokered deals with. In a way, you can’t blame them, but really, should this be the motivation behind the parties opposing the current administration?

No. You are in politics FOR THIS MOMENT. You should be clamoring to be the one to de-throne this kind of leader. To return your country to a less harrowing state. They’re cowards. Every last one of them. And while I wouldn’t list Trump among the bravest men on the planet, the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit makes him the guy that gets the attention.

Who else is there for the people to vote for?
Who even LOOKS like they have anywhere near the conviction and presence that he has?
It’s not a popular thing to say, but he is literally the only option – and that, by default, makes him the best option!

“How can you say that Trump is the best option!?” I hear you ask!

Think about it for a moment. If you asked the average American to describe a successful American, what do you think they would say?

Male.
Rich.
White.
Influential.
Wife half his age.
Takes what he wants & doesn’t care who he steps on to get it.
Opinionated. Knows his own mind and doesn’t care who disagrees with him.

These traits describe Donald Trump perfectly. If you opened up a dictionary to the word “Successful”, it would be NO SURPRISE to see a picture of his weasley, toupee’d face.

So many people right now are putting all of the pressure on the American people. Celebrities all over Twitter and YouTube saying “You have to register to vote! It’s in your hands! It’s Up To You!”

But I don’t know that I would be voting for any of these silent, ineffectual alternatives … and that is what a huge percentage of voters always say at times like this:

“There is no one for me to vote for. Therefore, I will not vote.”

Give them someone to vote for. This is NOT the people’s fault.
Give them a credible alternative, or just admit that you’ve given up.

Posted in General Misery, Media Hype, News, Politics
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“Employment Motivation” – or Get A Fucking Job, You Lazy Twat

•September 4, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Today here at MisterShouty, I’m going to go out of my way to be helpful to the younger generations. The Millennials, if you will.

There is a whole lot of complaining going on amongst people of a certain age – between 16 and 30, really – about how tough it is to be in their position; about how hard it is to get the job and income that they desire; that it’s more difficult for them than for any other generation in history because of the way that the world is shaped these days.

I’m going to break this down for you from first principles. The root of all of your problems is that you have been constantly, systematically and remorselessly lied to by your parents and by all of the media that you consume.

I’m talking about the outright lie that parents peddle to their kids, making them believe that “You can do anything you want.”

Now, I’m not talking as an embittered old man here. I may BE an embittered old man, but I’m not talking as one. I’m telling you, from a position of 100% truth and logic, that this parental claim is demonstrably bullshit of the highest order.

“You Can Do Anything You Want!”

No, you can’t. If you want to live independently, or if you want to be able to pay your own rent and buy your own food, and if you want to have money in the bank for any kind of life, you have to devote MOST of your waking life to doing something called “Work”.

For the uninitiated, “work” is defined as “Exertion or effort, directed to accomplish something” or, more aptly in this context, “employment in some form of industry, especially as a means of earning one’s livelihood.”

That means “Get a job”. Do something that someone else wants you to do, for 8 to 12 hours per shift, in exchange for money. Preferably, something that you can put up with doing, but be under no presumption that you will find a job to want to do!

Let me tell you these UNIVERSAL truths:

NO ONE wants to go to work every day.
Out of EVERYONE in employment of all kinds across the Western world, MAYBE 1% are doing a job that they enjoy.

Do you really think that you are part of the 1% that gets their dream job handed to them?
Do you really think that anyone at all gets their dream job “handed” to them?

No. This links into the lies that the media you consume is telling you every day.

Being successful at ANYTHING is fucking hard work. Lots of fucking hard work. You know how long it takes to become an expert at something? Anything?

10,000 Hours

That is, 10,000 Hours of actual beneficial practice at that activity. So, if you practice for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, you will need to do so for roughly 10 years before you’re actually good enough to earn decent money doing so. That means, if you’re 16 and standing outside a TV studio hoping Simon Cowell will make you famous, the odds aren’t just seriously against you. They are literally insurmountable.

You think that, just because you’ve seen a couple of people get a recording contract after winning The X Factor, that that supports the idea that “anyone can achieve their dream”? Shows like The X Factor are proving the EXACT OPPOSITE of that.

Look at the tens of thousands of people that go to the open auditions. Look at the ones that fail before the televised stages. Look at the ones that get booted out along the way, never to be seen or heard of again.

Hell, look at the WINNERS that get one hit single, that they didn’t write, so get no royalties from … and didn’t release themselves, so get no money from sales … then they MAYBE get an album recorded, before the whole country gets obsessed with the next chump in the limelight for their 15 minutes, and last year’s winner is back behind the counter at a fast food restaurant, or plastering people’s ceilings for 8 hours a day to make ends meet.

The whole concept is a lie.

YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING YOU WANT

That is, unless you’re happy making no money, living off of benefits or handouts from your mom. And THAT is the truth.

Posted in General Misery, Media Hype, People Skills
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The Notification Fixation

•September 4, 2018 • Leave a Comment

I’m all for “Smart” devices. I, much like many of you, have started filling my home with them, making convenience out of tasks that were … well, let’s face it, tasks that took no effort in the first place.

But that’s OK! Why get up to turn on a light switch all the way over by the room’s entrance, when a light sensor can notice it’s gotten dark, and turn the light on for you? It’s not really about cutting out the need to walk four steps to the light switch, is it? It’s about letting technology take care of the mundane, and leaving us to our tasks – or to our entertainment, uninterrupted.

I LOVE smart devices.

Devices that control your home’s heating via a thermostat, a GPS locator sent from your phone, or even from an app that affords you the opportunity to check and alter it’s controls remotely. These kinds of devices save energy and save time, even as they prevent discomfort and inconvenience.

But Smart Devices don’t stop there, do they? These Smart Devices that do their job and make life a little better are one thing, but we have also been force-fed this idea that everything should be connected. Everything needs to have everything on it.

Your TV has to have social media, your watch has to be able to tell you when an email arrives and, perhaps most irritating of all, your computer’s operating system has to automatically sign into everything for you, and throw notifications at you every few seconds because apparently, all of these things are now more important than anything else in your life could possibly be.

There is absolutely NO EARTHLY REASON why a Facebook notification should appear on my screen while I’m watching a movie on Netflix. Be it on my phone, tablet, computer OR Smart TV. There is NO REASON why my watch needs to buzz at me when my phone receives a message.

And there is no justification at all for watches that buzz on your wrist 2 seconds after you already heard your phone buzz, which was actually 1 second after your laptop “dinged” at you, all for the same message!

This entire “notification culture” is an absolute blight on society and is an unending, persistant, relentless assault on our sanity.

I know you can turn these things off – I DO turn these things off. I have no interest in having my life, my thought process, my current task, or my enjoyment of a TV show or a movie, being assaulted with beeps, buzzes and flashes from any device. I have all of that turned off on my PHONE, so I certainly won’t be using them on my watch, or my TV screen. But that doesn’t take care of the problem, does it?

You are likely reading this thinking that *I* am the weird one. The people all around me that allow their every waking moment to be governed by notifications – I’ll bet you think that’s absolutely normal. You’re one of them, aren’t you?

My phone is a tool that I use for convenience. As described in the opening paragraph, it’s a smart device that allows me to do stuff more easily, and even takes care of many tasks FOR me. What it doesn’t do, is provide a way for everyone in my life to constantly contact me, and expect an instant response.

But the way that the mobile phone’s original purpose has been somehow transmitted like a disease to every other device in our homes and on our bodies is beyond irritating. Even more irritating is the way that most people seem to accept it!

There have been many studies showing the relationship of social media and instant messaging to depression and dopamine addiction. If you ask me, we don’t even need these studies anymore. You can tell by looking at the general public that they are hooked on this bullshit. It’s not even about receiving messages INTENDED for you anymore. It’s the infinite scroll. The complete detachment from reality. The willing ESCAPE from reality into a fictional world of social media embellishments and exaggerations, only to wish that their own lives were as fun and interesting as the crap they’re reading.

Surely this is the biggest problem – People lie about their own lives on social media in order to compete with someone else’s lie. All of the time, both parties believing that the other’s lie is true! All of this, happening multiple times per day, every day of their lives. Of course this leads to depression. You need to get your head out of your phone for a while and enjoy something for what it is.

People don’t go to concerts to enjoy the show any more. They go in order to take a video or a selfie and show everyone on their social media platform of choice that they were there. It’s the same screwed up mentality of people that photograph their food and share the images online or – and this is a really annoying one I’ve noticed on the rise recently – people that take a photograph of the screen at the cinema when the movie title is displayed.

What the hell are you doing?
Can’t you enjoy a moment in your life without having to make it a digital boast?

More and more notifications from more and more apps flood our lives daily. There has to be a tipping point somewhere. The question is, will you fall over the edge and turn into a completely mindless drone, chasing the dopamine hit 24/7 … or will you turn the notifications off and redress the balance before insanity takes you?

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, People Skills, Uncategorized, Web
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Mobile Phones: Part V

•May 9, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Today I’m focusing on a very specific aspect of life with a mobile phone. I’ve already spoken about the loud and obnoxious ringtones, the expectation to be active on “Social Media” 24/7, the use of phones in cinemas, and many other aspects.

But this particular aspect is one that I find extremely troubling – to the point that I have taken steps to pretty much eliminate it from my own life.

I’m talking about this unwritten “social contract” that people think is implied, that when they send you a message – be it SMS, Email, IM or one of a hundred other possible message types in today’s handsets – that you are obliged to answer within a certain timeframe.

Now, don’t get me wrong, if I receive a message of some kind and I’m free, and willing to read and respond immediately, then I will. But if I’m busy … and by that I mean, watching a movie, drinking a beer, or even sitting staring into space for no reason other than that’s what I want to do … then you will not get an answer until I’m GOOD AND READY.

In fact, if you ask me (not that you did), you are not entitled to a response AT ALL. It is one hundred percent MY decision whether I answer or not. Hell, whether I even READ your message or not. Furthermore, even if I have read your message, you shouldn’t just be assuming a response is on the way.

Yes, this behaviour is anti-social. But then, I firmly believe that your assumption of some level of control over my choice in this matter is far more objectionable than my decision to only answer when I want to answer.

I control my phone.
My phone does not control me.

Most people silence their phones at a certain time every night, in order to ensure that no notifications will disturb them as they sleep. This is only what I am doing … except I’m doing it whenever I like. I may OWN a mobile phone, but that does not mean that I am available every second of every day for your phone calls, instant messages and texts.

And email? Don’t even bother with email if you’re expecting a response within 24 hours. My phone isn’t set to automatically check for email every 10, 15, 30 minutes. No.

It looks for mail when I open the app.

Again, I control when I “receive” messages. Not my phone, not my phone’s email app, and certainly not you.

On this subject, let me also mention that if you can see that I have read a message you sent, yet several hours later, I still have not responded … it’s not because I’ve FORGOTTEN about it. It’s because I don’t WANT to respond. Copying the message and re-sending it is NOT going to elicit a response any quicker. In fact, you’re just going to piss me off further with that level of arrogance.

The whole concept of these phone apps displaying when people have read the messages you’ve sent them is something else that I find completely intrusive and objectionable. It’s turned off in every app that allows it on my phone. People don’t need to know what I’ve read and whether I’m typing a response. I’m perfectly within my rights to delete your message, unread, if such a whim should take me.

Like I say, I have taken steps to eliminate this shitty aspect of mobile phone ownership from my life. I completely silence (including vibration!) my phone whenever I feel like it. I read messages when I decide to read them, not necessarily when they arrive, I’ve disabled automatic updates for email and I’ve turned off “read receipts” wherever possible.

Most importantly though, I’ve told the people that message me in the middle of the night, expecting fast answers, or send duplicate messages because I’ve not answered them as quickly as they deemed they SHOULD be, that:

I CONTROL MY PHONE!
MY PHONE DOES NOT CONTROL ME!

Briefly hearkening back to one of my earliest posts on this blog, I reserve the right to be anti-social at any given time, on any given day. Just because YOU want my attention, there is no guarantee that I am constantly willing to give it.

It is my unequivocal right as a human being to be an utter cunt if I want to be. These people that message me at 1am should understand that, as that very act itself only exposes THEM as utter cunts as well.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, People Skills, Web
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Adverts: Part 4

•May 8, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Yes, it’s time for another instalment on the special circle of hell that is … Adverts.

I will take a quick moment here to say that, while I hate adverts, it’s not their very existence, or their necessity to which I have an objection. Adverts are what pay for a huge amount of the content that I consume daily. From TV Stations to Podcasts to YouTube Channels, just about everyone needs to use adverts to help get their content made. This is perfectly fine. A podcast that takes 60 seconds of every episode asking you to check out audible.com doesn’t bother me one bit. Even when that same Audible advert and accompanying deal is offered in multiple podcasts as well as YouTube channels to which I subscribe.

And do you know why?

They’re no-bullshit, honest ads that get to the point and then move on. An advert is not a piece of entertainment. At least, it shouldn’t be. Just tell me what you want me to buy, tell me why you think it’s something I want, tell me the price and get back to whatever it was you interrupted! You’re trying to entertain me … in the middle of some content that was already entertaining me! Your advert’s very existence is already irritating me at this point.

Just make your sales pitch, and FUCK OFF!

Unfortunately, the majority of TV and Radio ads think that the straightforward approach is beneath them. They need an irritating jingle or a memorable mascot or some transparent pseudo-psychological trickery to fool you into wanting something that actually serves no earthly purpose nor has any real use in your life.

Whether it’s a stupid phrase or a cuddly toy being thrust at them every 7 to 12 minutes, the way that the general public is so easily manipulated is so sad and pathetic. But let’s keep focused on the annoying content rather than the public’s weak minded susceptibility to it … for now.

Apart from the transparent gimmicks, an aspect that I find particularly taxing is this belief within the advertising industry that, as long as your “thing” gets embedded into the head of your victim – I mean, customer – it doesn’t matter whether it’s in a positive or a negative manner. All publicity is good publicity, right?

This is the philosophy behind the vast array of adverts that are created only to annoy the viewer. Mind-numbingly repetitive sales pitches or jingles, shouty “characters”, well-known songs rewritten with lyrics about bleach or cat food or some such product that apparently isn’t needed, or isn’t good enough to actually sell itself.

I can’t even tell you how much I hate these adverts that rip off good songs and insert their own lyrics. Of course, the blame here has to be FIRMLY placed on the song’s writers, as they’re signing away the rights to allow this in the first place. I can KIND OF get behind an artist allowing their music to be used, UNCHANGED in an advert, but you have to be the lowest of the low, and desperate for cash, if you’re allowing some twat working for a spot ointment company to bastardise your song by changing the lyrics to say how fast the product will clear up some sweaty teen’s acne.

They really make me fucking sick.

On the subject of music, we also have this new trend of having what sounds like a 12 year old girl singing any random song, as though she’s half asleep or high on meth, while some cunt plays isolated piano notes … or even worse, a fucking ukelele … in the background. And this is supposed to have WHAT effect, exactly? Make us think that THIS PARTICULAR brand of whatever it is they’re selling is just so awesome, gentle and full of all that good hippie shit that we’ll be better people for buying it? Just … BARF.

And finally in the realm of artistic creations being ruined for the sake of a quick sale, we have poetry. Now, I’m a fan of a good poem. Especially if the poem is making a good point, a satirical or social comment, or is just fun and entertaining. What I do NOT need is a fucking poem about GRAVY. Or McDonalds!

Where do these companies get the fucking EGO to think their product worthy of POETRY!?

How can they possibly think it’s anything but offensive to add their product to the list of things that have inspired people to create, all through history?!

Love, Hate, War, Death, Beauty, Sadness … Toilet Paper!?

John F Kennedy once said:

“When power leads men towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man’s concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.”

That last line again:

“When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.”

I can think of no better way to misuse or disrespect something as beautiful and powerful as poetry than using it to shill your latest flavour of dog food. Fucking philestines.

I truly view people that use this kind of offensive advertising as the scum of this earth.

Yes, all adverts will bombard us with half-truths, hyperbole and manufactured statistics. But at least most don’t consciously and purposefully shit all over something beautiful and culturally relevant, just to try and make a buck.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Media Hype
Tags: , ,

Deskshakers Inc.

•May 8, 2017 • Leave a Comment

We’re back with another tale of office-place horror.

I’ve been annoyed in the extreme recently by a new trend in my office place. People seem to have decided that, in order to look busy, they should be slamming and thudding on their desks pretty much all day.

Not so bad, you might think. What people do to their own desks is no one’s business but their own – and surely you can just throw your headphones on and zone out the noise!

After all, it’s just another layer to add to the already unbelievable DIN in the average office anyway.

Well, you’d be wrong.

You see, in my office (as in most modern open-plan workplaces), desks are actually attached in units of up to 8. In my case, 4 desks by 2 desks, with a small 2 foot divider separating the 2 columns. So, when one of these unbelievable assholes slams into, onto, or around their desk, they are actually affecting the whole unit.

And usually, MY desk is one of the 8 affected.

I could understand it if these people’s jobs were overly physical, or involved working with hardware in any real sense, but the most work with hardware that these fuckwits carry out on an average day, is when they put their laptop into it’s desktop docking station … which, naturally, is done with such force that, were I working in some place like California, I’d be running for the neareast doorway, in fear of being crushed by falling debris from the huge magnitude earthquake hitting the building.

I honestly don’t know whether this over-exaggerated slamming is for anyone’s benefit, or if they don’t even notice that they’re making other people’s desks shake every few minutes – or indeed, that I’m staring at them with such hate in my eyes that they’re in danger of having their skin seared right off of their bones. God knows, they seem pretty damn quick to forget the actual verbal requests to stop slamming about like spoiled teenager that just ran out of credit on their parent-provided mobile phone.

I’m at a loss as to what else I can do!

As an additional aside to this behaviour, I also have to endure extended periods of people sitting and/or resting on one of the desks in the unit. Again, wobbling and shaking the desk like crazy while I attempt to type. I realise that we’re not exactly replete with spare chairs in our office but seriously, can you not have a conversation with someone without resting your arse on their desk?

Man, people are fucking annoying.

What I DO know is that, every time my desk starts rocking back and forth or thrumming under my keyboard while I try to work, they get one step closer to being throttled to death in the car park one evening.

… and “Winter Is Coming”, people.

VERY SOON it’ll be dark by 6pm.

They’d better start keeping one eye in the shadows … because one day, I’ll be hiding there with some piano wire and a pair of pliers.

Posted in Uncategorized

Grammar Rant #2: Common Usage

•August 23, 2016 • Leave a Comment

From the age of, well, 1, I was taught how to talk, then read, then write and eventually how to navigate the finer points of English grammar. So, it should be no surprise to you that it annoys me to see spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors almost everywhere I look in this modern age of email, text messages and social media.

Long gone are the days when these issues were limited to the “Grocer’s Apostrophe” and people not being aware of the difference between knowing their shit and knowing they’re shit.

This complete lack of effort is so pervasive in everyday life that it’s not only accepted, but actually gets a lot of discussion around the concept of “Common Usage” becoming “Correct”.

This doesn’t just annoy me. This upsets me to a great degree. It offends my sensibilities as an English person and it makes a mockery of everyone that has spent any time getting to know and love this language.

The very idea that even well educated scholars make arguments for these examples of incorrect spelling and grammar becoming “correct” through common usage, is offensive to me. I know that I can come across as a snob on this blog, in many areas of life, but I really feel that in this case, I am expressing an opinion that cannot be reasonably argued against by ANYONE.

When I’ve mentioned this topic in conversation, the argument against me is always “but our language has changed massively in the past – you can’t say that what we have NOW is “correct” just because it’s current.”

I agree with that to an extent. But as usual, people that argue against me purposely avoid the point I’m making in order to argue against something else! Probably because they don’t have the mental capacity to make a good argument against what I’m actually saying.

Yes, language should evolve and adapt as people use it. I’m not saying that it shouldn’t. I have no quarrel with new compound words like “emoticon“, abbreviations like “lol” or even the use (or not) of the Oxford Comma. New words are always being created and used and they need to be embraced and included in new dictionaries, not only as a matter of record, but as a way to ensure the usage and meaning is well understood. Further to that, when existing words develop new meanings, I’m all for adding that new meaning to the dictionary definition.

But what I’m really against is when misunderstanding, ignorance and laziness lead to incorrect usage of what is a perfectly good word or term … and that term taking on a different meaning, even though another perfectly good term already has covered!

Things like “I could care less” to mean you don’t care about something. The complete interchangeability of “they’re”, “there” and “their” that is now essentially “common usage”.

If these people get their way, the dictionary will end up listing the three words to mean the same thing as each other and it will become the job of the reader to determine meaning my context rather than the job of the writer to make himself clear.

The way that society stands today, you’re more likely to get eyes rolled at you for correcting an error like this, than if you actually MAKE the error, and THAT is a real problem. Yes, I’m a member of “The Grammar Police” – a proud member.

When I correct someone’s grammar, I very much feel that I’m doing them a favour. After all, no one WANTS to be thick. No one WANTS to APPEAR thick on Social Media platforms. But, as you will all have experienced, MOST people DO appear thick, almost all of the time.

It’s not hard to put a capital letter at the start of a sentence, and a full stop at the end. Why on Earth do people constantly fail to do so?

Is it JUST to piss us off?

I recently read a report that a “period at the end of a text message, tweet or Facebook post is considered to be aggressive“. So, based on this, people are talking about how “Common Usage” might eventually lead to the loss of the full stop at the end of sentences.

What the ACTUAL fuck? Don’t talk nonsense. Have you ever received an email from someone that has seemingly forgotten where the full stop key is on their keyboard? That’s rhetorical – of course you have. Everyone has, and often, because “common usage” dictates that it’s perfectly acceptable these days. But I digress.

These rambling, nonsensical blocks of text take ages to decipher.

Is this evolution of the English language?

No. It is the metaphorical three steps back that has followed the one step forward that can be represented by the advent of electronic messaging.

I don’t ask that the English language be frozen and preserved the way it is right now. I just ask that it is not allowed to devolve to the point where people are rambling at each other like a pack of brainless idiots.

Posted in General Misery, People Skills
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

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